About ten years ago I decided to have my name changed to Billy-Ace Penguin Baker, but I was thwarted because someone else already had the name. Several years ago the other Penguin died so it was my turn. I went to the Naval Legal Service Office at NAS Pensacola and had them draw up the appropriate paper work. And with paperwork in hand I made an appointment with a circuit judge at the county court house, believe it or not his name was Judge Geeker, to hear my petition and perform the ceremony. The day of my court hearing I wore a tuxedo and was quite a hit in the waiting room which was full of divorced women going before the judge to get their maiden names back. I was the only guy there and I was cool, but out of place. However, the judge granted my petition and I became a penguin.
My story soon appeared in the NAS Pensacola newspaper, the Gosport and as a result of the publicity I was offered a dead Adelie Penguin by the museum.
The penguin was one of those that had been flown from the ice and went to Sea World. It had died of natural causes and Sea World gave it to the National Naval Aviation Museum here in Pensacola. The museum didn't know what to do with the thing, so when they saw the story about my name change they offered it to me. Naturally I accepted and when I went to pick it up I was asked what I intended doing with it. I said that I planned to have it stuffed and all the museum staff nodded their heads and thought that stuffing was a good idea until I told them that I couldn't decide on whether to use cornbread of oyster stuffing before I barbecued it. However, they let me keep it and even gave me some paperwork to protect me from the endangered species act which does not allow you to have any penguins in your bag.
I kept it in the freezer out in the garage for a couple of years and my wife finally told me to get rid of it. I still hadn't decided on what kind of stuffing to use. So I found a taxidermist way out in the boondocks of Chulmulkah who's phonebook ad said that he could stuff anything and as a bonus he organized safaris on the side. So with penguin in hand I headed for Chulmulkah.
Well, that was a bummer. The guy didn't have a mold for an Adelie penguin. In fact he had an emperor there that he was supposed to be repairing, but I think he said that Richard Byrd left it there back in the 40s when this guys dad owned the shop. So, this guy takes my penguin and put it in a walk in freezer and after saying my farewells we went to the guys office and he entered my penguin into his data base. Now this is strange, these is a program for taxidermist that shows all kinds of information about stuffing animals including the availability of molds, prices, size, and so forth. Each main species of animal has a menu, but there was none for penguins, so the guy entered the data for my poor penguin under:
C:\TAXIDERM\BIRDS\DUCKS\MISC\bakerpeng.txt.
The taxidermist has had the penguin for over two years now and I think that someday when he retires and his son takes over the business that I, or my heirs, will probably get my penguin back and it will look like a Mallard Duck or a Morganser or something worse.
Does anyone know of a good taxidermist that can stuff a penguin before he gets freezer burn?
Billy-Ace-Penguin-Baker